Under it all, though, is something that I don't have a name for. It's like a feeling of community, or a feeling of family, like belonging, and like being valuable to people you care about, but it isn't any of those things, either. My experience is that it almost always falls apart, too.

and i miss it.

i mean, i miss that feeling. i know the one, and that's more words than i've ever been able to throw at it; thank you.

it's useful to me to hear your experience about it almost always falling apart, as well. i ended up running away from it, because it was the only option that i could think of that involved me not being suicidal any more. but sometimes i think that if i'd only hung in there, that it would have worked out all right, that i could still have that, if only i hadn't run.