Personal note: A Mess and a Muddle

[lydy]

In the last four days, I have managed two and a half actual meals, and several snacks. I spent the first thirty hours after the election in bed, most of them asleep, although there was a memorable 5 hour stretch where I was in terrible pain and unable to sleep, but also unable to get out of bed. The pain was not the pain of a hangover (I'd already slept through that), but the weird sleep-onset pain that I get in my legs sometimes, except ramped up considerably. I have been weak and listless, easily nauseated. My digestive system seems like it's finally getting back on track, but not with much enthusiasm. In the midst of all this, my beloved grey cat, who has been very well behaved for over a month, peed on my bed last night. When I took the bedding apart this morning to wash it, I found blood on the mattress pad. She has an appointment with the vet on Friday.

My brain has always had the ability to make my body miserable. Stress expresses itself in physical symptoms. My brain chemistry was reasonably fucked before the election. Getting the house ready for the Election Party was almost more than I could manage. I did manage, barely, but for weeks I've been weird and difficult to be around, and have found daily life almost insurmountable. I cannot bear the news, right now, it's like pouring salt on open wounds.

There is a need to do something. I do not know what that thing is. I do not know if it will be enough. I cannot think my way through this in my current state. It's all very well to put on one's own oxygen mask first, but if the plane goes down, possibly that doesn't matter. I have many muddled thoughts about the various suggestions people have had on how to respond to this election. I am not thinking clearly, though, and am badly constrained by my broken neurochemistry. Possibly things will become clearer, soon.

I will say this: I liked Hillary a lot, more with each passing day. I was not, in the end, a reluctant Hillary supporter, even though I started as a Bernie supporter. I was an enthusiastic, cheerful Hillary voter. I kept on being weirded out by news media insisting that she was unlikeable. It resembled the weird narrative that Gore was uncharismatic. I saw him on the stump; he was electrifying. The way the news media covered the email issue was a scandal; and it created the opening for Comey to do what he did.

I am a failed anarchist; I believe that we need big institutions to keep civilization alive, and that government is one of those necessary, big institutions. Civics courses, when I was a child, spent a lot of time on the hows of government. How bills became laws, how people got elected. They spent no time on the whys. Why we need to have roads and libraries and sewers and a health inspections for food and vaccinations and a check on other large institutions that use us for their own profit. We need to reclaim this understanding. No, I don't know how. I don't really know anything.

I am going to go see if I can manage to make my bed, now. Goals for today: make the bed, finish the laundry, clean the cat boxes, pay bills, stay up late enough that I can shift my sleep schedule to fit my work week, get to work. Honestly, that's probably more than I can manage, but I've got to try. Life does go on, until it doesn't. I kinda want it to go on.

Comments

[dreamshark.livejournal.com]

That is a perfectly respectable set of goals. I've had many days where I've accomplished less. The important thing is to make a list and check things off, even if you resort to things like "Eat breakfast," "put the milk back in the fridge," and "brush teeth."

[iraunink.livejournal.com]

I had a similar reaction to the election, but without the pain. I hope you are feeling better as each day passes.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

Ditto. And I am finding this a good time for bouts of retreating into fantasy: working on my latest story, seeing Dr. Strange, etc.

[vgqn.livejournal.com]

Yes, it has been very literally gut wrenching. My neighbor said that she felt like she couldn't breathe. I feel like I'm trapped in a bad SF film. Take care of yourself. Hugs.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

Yes. It's hard to accept this as a valid reality. It must be a horrible dream. And it's hard to breathe, too - but mostly because there's a delay in refilling my asthma medication.

[bohemiancoast.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. Look after yourself.

[redbird]

Self-care is a radical act.

Anything else we want to do will flow more smoothly if we're functional.

[apostle-of-eris.livejournal.com]

I use “lapsed anarchist”, since I wobble.
And yes, taking care of your own limited edition meat puppet is a prerequisite for almost anything else. (Says someone who can take two weeks to get to the laundry.)