I'm still glazed...
Jul. 9th, 2008 08:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lydyso I'm told. I don't feel particularly glazed. But I do feel as if I've lost my gift for conversation. Not that I was ever brilliant at it, but I used to bring a certain amount of passion for it. Over the last few years, though, I've started to feel like the only thing I ever talk about is myself. If this were a revelation that constituted insight into my own nature, that would perhaps be a good thing. It seems to me that the only things I have to talk about are my latest chemistry mix, and how I feel about it. Not even so much how I feel. My emotions are awfully flat, which isn't like the way I was years ago. Now, maybe it's much better to be calm and distant than it is to be riding that rollercoaster. It's hard to say. There was a lot of down and misjudgment (especially about money).
Here we go about me, again. I don't know if I should ask the doctor to reduce the drugs some more or not. I'm worried, in a calm sort of way, of losing control. We've already reduced one of the antidepressants significantly, as well as the mood leveler and the antipsychotic. In retrospect, it feels like the addition of the antipsychotic really leveled things out, and flattened them. But this is all like trying to read tea leaves for me. I don't remember too well how I used to be. How I feel now is how I've always felt.
Being well-drugged was useful for Fourth Street. I was glazed and worried, but rarely panicked. And even when I panicked it was in a private fashion. Very subdued. The drugs probably also had to do with some of the things I didn't do correctly, like send out the flyers to people who we got a change of address on. I don't think it had anything to do with my lack of delegation -- I've always delegated terribly. It's all very difficult to sort out. Not that I'm that worried about it. I'm worried about not being worried, if you see what I mean, but again in a calm, distant fashion.
The thing that really bugs me is my loss of being able to hold conversations with people. I don't talk about my brain chemistry much anymore, I don't have a job so there's no material there, there's not a lot to say about school to people who have finished school 20 years ago. I should be able to ask about other people's lives and go from there, but I've lost the knack of it, somehow. I seem to recall that the transaction works something like, I ask you about yourself, you say something, I recall something similar from my life, things go from there. But since I self-censor a lot, based on the belief that my life is boring, or that I'm whining, I often don't get to step two. And if I do, I don't know how to find the "things go from there" step. Look, this is how bad it is: I was con chair for a con with one of the coolest pros (Elizabeth Bear) and I did not use this as a perq to talk to her, or even so much as tell her how much I liked _Blood and Iron_. Being a conchair is a lot of work, but one thing that's universally acknowledged is that the perq that comes with all that work is easy access to the pros. I was really hoping to go out to dinner with Bear and Mole, but never got around to saying anything, and they, of course, had more invites than they could reasonably manage. Shy is close to the condition I'm talking about, but not quite the same thing, maybe. Or maybe it is. I did not used to be shy, ask anybody.
And this is all a kind of whining. But I wanted to say that I don't find other people boring. Mostly, I find them interesting. But I've lost the knack of showing it. I wish I could get it back.
Here we go about me, again. I don't know if I should ask the doctor to reduce the drugs some more or not. I'm worried, in a calm sort of way, of losing control. We've already reduced one of the antidepressants significantly, as well as the mood leveler and the antipsychotic. In retrospect, it feels like the addition of the antipsychotic really leveled things out, and flattened them. But this is all like trying to read tea leaves for me. I don't remember too well how I used to be. How I feel now is how I've always felt.
Being well-drugged was useful for Fourth Street. I was glazed and worried, but rarely panicked. And even when I panicked it was in a private fashion. Very subdued. The drugs probably also had to do with some of the things I didn't do correctly, like send out the flyers to people who we got a change of address on. I don't think it had anything to do with my lack of delegation -- I've always delegated terribly. It's all very difficult to sort out. Not that I'm that worried about it. I'm worried about not being worried, if you see what I mean, but again in a calm, distant fashion.
The thing that really bugs me is my loss of being able to hold conversations with people. I don't talk about my brain chemistry much anymore, I don't have a job so there's no material there, there's not a lot to say about school to people who have finished school 20 years ago. I should be able to ask about other people's lives and go from there, but I've lost the knack of it, somehow. I seem to recall that the transaction works something like, I ask you about yourself, you say something, I recall something similar from my life, things go from there. But since I self-censor a lot, based on the belief that my life is boring, or that I'm whining, I often don't get to step two. And if I do, I don't know how to find the "things go from there" step. Look, this is how bad it is: I was con chair for a con with one of the coolest pros (Elizabeth Bear) and I did not use this as a perq to talk to her, or even so much as tell her how much I liked _Blood and Iron_. Being a conchair is a lot of work, but one thing that's universally acknowledged is that the perq that comes with all that work is easy access to the pros. I was really hoping to go out to dinner with Bear and Mole, but never got around to saying anything, and they, of course, had more invites than they could reasonably manage. Shy is close to the condition I'm talking about, but not quite the same thing, maybe. Or maybe it is. I did not used to be shy, ask anybody.
And this is all a kind of whining. But I wanted to say that I don't find other people boring. Mostly, I find them interesting. But I've lost the knack of showing it. I wish I could get it back.
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no subject
Date: 2008-07-10 02:39 am (UTC)We should do that. Possibly with food involved.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-10 08:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-10 08:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-11 01:12 am (UTC)