New car, unfortunately
Jan. 4th, 2012 10:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lydySo, Saturday morning, I'm driving home from work. It's after a 13 hour shift, and I'm tired. But, you know, not really, really tired. Just tired as in a long day at work. I'm not really in a particular hurry. I always get breakfast on Saturdays at the Blackbird Cafe, which has this outstanding oxtail hash (with beets!), and it was closed a week ago, what with it being Christmas Eve and all, but really no reason to hurry. There's a 35 mile an hour curve on 35W just after you get on it from 94, and I was going too fast. No good reason. Don't really know how fast I was going -- didn't look at the speedometer. I think, "You know, if you go too fast around the curve, you can lose control...I'm losing control... wait, I've got it...no I don't have it... turn in the direction of the skid...I'm not really skidding...got it...no, I don't got it..." long pause where I don't really remember what was going on, and then, I hit the wall in the median.
It was a significant impact. I know I've done that curve at 50 mph, and been fine, so I was probably doing faster than that. I don't remember hitting the brakes...surely I did? I don't know. The airbag went off. The passenger side airbag. The driver side airbag didn't. I knew that the airbags were compromised. I thought, "I've got to call David." Then I thought, "I'd better call 911." I called 911. They said, "Are you the white SUV on the 35 MPH curve?" I said, "Yes." They said, "Do you have your seatbelt on?" I said, "No." They advised that I put it on again. So I did. I had been wearing it during the accident, but for some reason, I'd taken it off before I called 911. I don't really know why. I put it back on and called my boyfriend, DDB. I don't remember too much of what I said. I do remember saying, "Please tell me what to do." I was, um, distraught. Some point in there, I removed my glasses and cast them aside. I often do this when I am upset, the better to run my hands over my face and hair, I suppose. I told DDB that the cops had shown up, and hung up.
The state trooper made me get in his car. I didn't have my glasses. This upset me a lot. I felt very vulnerable and blind. The door to his car locked, and I couldn't get out. I turned out my purse three or five times, looking for my glasses. He came back and said that he had looked in my vehicle, and my glasses were no where to be found. He went away again, me still trapped in his vehicle, and started setting out flares. Somewhere in here, it finally occurred to me that I had been in serious danger of being hit by oncoming traffic. My car was perpendicular to the road, obstructing most of the left-most lane of traffic. I had been, in fact, in significant danger. I vaguely remember various vehicles veering around me, and having trouble avoiding me. I should have realized earlier that I was in significant danger, but really, until the cop started acting all concerned, it hadn't really occurred to me. Stupid me.
The cop let me get out of his car (now that the flares were set) and rummage around in my vehicle for my glasses. I was really upset about not being able to see. Eventually, I found my glasses. They'd fallen in between the center console and the passenger side seat. I felt, not better, but not as frantic without my glasses. The cop called a tow truck. Eventually the tow truck came, and we towed the car to a local body shop, quite near my house.
I don't really have good words for my state of mind. It was chaotic, as you would expect. But it was also, I don't know, I just don't know. Here's the thing. I don't do well with the unexpected. My life is fairly predictable. I don't know if I would say that I like it that way, but it's what I strive for. I need to be able to imagine my life. And for all that I read sf, I don't actually have a very good imagination. I can best imagine things that I have already experienced. So now my life was launched into the unknown. Because, the vehicle I was used to driving was totaled (I had no doubt of that), and I had to get to work next Wednesday, and I had just proved myself unable to drive myself, and things just felt like they had spiraled out of control.
I felt so stupid. So very, very stupid. I have no excuse for this accident. It wasn't dark. It wasn't slippery. I didn't have a micro-sleep. I was just going too fast, and failed to maintain control of my vehicle. I am a bad driver. I felt like a total failure as an adult. I still feel pretty much like a failure. I had thought that driving to work for the last year had made me a better driver. But I had gotten casual, careless. Which is how I'd totaled DDB's car two years previous, making a left turn into oncoming traffic. Different mistake, same underlying cause: carelessness and arrogance.
The tow truck driver was very nice. He towed my car to a body shop, and then drove me home. He let me bum a cigarette. (I only smoked half of it. I'm a stress smoker, but even under this much stress, it smelled bad to me. I must be getting older.) Although I felt fine at the time of the accident, by the time we got to my house, my right knee would barely support my weight. I got in the house, and couldn't find my my cell phone. I called on the house phone, down to DDB in the basement, knowing I couldn't manage the steps. I asked him to come upstairs and help me.
Really, I didn't need too much help. I managed to fill a zip lock with ice on my own. I iced my knee. Mostly, what he did was sit with me for a couple hours while I elaborated on the theme of why I was not an adult, and not fit to live. He allowed as how I wasn't allowed to shoot myself because it would give the gun lobby a bad name, and that hanging myself wasn't allowed largely because it wasn't allowed. I was not, I hasten to add, actually suicidal. It was just that I was all out of cope, completely out of cope. I didn't know what I was going to do next, or how, or what was going to happen. My knee was in bad shape, and I didn't know if I would be able to go to work on Wednesday, much less how I would get there. Eventually, I went to sleep. It took a while to actually fall asleep; every time I closed my eyes, I was reliving the accident. This is not conducive to sleep.
On Monday, DDB (who is remarkably wonderful in so many ways) took me car shopping. The car I crashed was a 1998 Suburu Forester. I really, really liked that car. It cost me $3000, which I paid in cash from my student loans when I was looking for a job because I work third shift in the suburbs, and I really need a vehicle to commute. Bus is not really an option. I didn't have $3000 to buy a car outright, I needed financing. Not happy. But, you know, you do what you have to do, or something.
What I ended up with was a Hyundai 2003 Santa Fe. There are various reasons, but it's hard to avoid the fact that one of the reasons was that I was very tired (I hadn't slept well the night before) and they'd sell me that today. Also, the offered a warranty on it. Which suggests that it must be in pretty good shape. Although I had loved my Forester, I'd spent as much on it over the last year in basic maintenance as I'd spent on the purchase price, and there was more to come. So, hopefully, this guy is in better shape. It has weird features. The side mirrors are electronically adjustable. Which is nice, but not something I'd pay extra for. It has a sun roof, which I actually dislike, but there you are. It has climate control, which is nice, but it's in Celsius. I haven't figured out how to put it in Fahrenheit. It has heated seats (also known as bun-warmers.) Nice, but again, I don't really care. There are a bunch of buttons on the rear view mirror that I haven't figured out what they do, yet. It has a CD changer, instead of a cassette deck, which is an actual disadvantage, since all my book-on-tape are on cassette. It feels a lot more like a truck than my old SUV. It has a peppier engine. Which is not a particularly good thing. (I've decided that I'm totally driving the speed limit from now on.) It feels, I don't know, more smug some how. And much larger. I don't really like it. But that's partly because I'm in mourning for my Suburu Forester. Which, as I said, I really really loved. Hopefully, this monster truck will grow on me.
So, it's Wednesday. I have a new vehicle which I don't really like but which will probably do the job. My knee will now bend all the way, but it doesn't much like stairs. I'm still doing those one leg at a time. I'm hopeful that I can kneel down in front of my patients tonight to attach leg wires without, you know, howling in pain or falling over, and also being able to stand back up. (I kinda tried it just a bit ago, and it hurts, but it looks do-able). My neck and shoulders, which hurt a lot on Sunday, seem to be fine again. My breast bone, right between my breasts (presumably where the seat belt caught me) still hurts a little, but not nearly as much. So, I guess I'm good to go.
So, that's been my weekend. All in all, I'd rather have been in Philadelphia.
It was a significant impact. I know I've done that curve at 50 mph, and been fine, so I was probably doing faster than that. I don't remember hitting the brakes...surely I did? I don't know. The airbag went off. The passenger side airbag. The driver side airbag didn't. I knew that the airbags were compromised. I thought, "I've got to call David." Then I thought, "I'd better call 911." I called 911. They said, "Are you the white SUV on the 35 MPH curve?" I said, "Yes." They said, "Do you have your seatbelt on?" I said, "No." They advised that I put it on again. So I did. I had been wearing it during the accident, but for some reason, I'd taken it off before I called 911. I don't really know why. I put it back on and called my boyfriend, DDB. I don't remember too much of what I said. I do remember saying, "Please tell me what to do." I was, um, distraught. Some point in there, I removed my glasses and cast them aside. I often do this when I am upset, the better to run my hands over my face and hair, I suppose. I told DDB that the cops had shown up, and hung up.
The state trooper made me get in his car. I didn't have my glasses. This upset me a lot. I felt very vulnerable and blind. The door to his car locked, and I couldn't get out. I turned out my purse three or five times, looking for my glasses. He came back and said that he had looked in my vehicle, and my glasses were no where to be found. He went away again, me still trapped in his vehicle, and started setting out flares. Somewhere in here, it finally occurred to me that I had been in serious danger of being hit by oncoming traffic. My car was perpendicular to the road, obstructing most of the left-most lane of traffic. I had been, in fact, in significant danger. I vaguely remember various vehicles veering around me, and having trouble avoiding me. I should have realized earlier that I was in significant danger, but really, until the cop started acting all concerned, it hadn't really occurred to me. Stupid me.
The cop let me get out of his car (now that the flares were set) and rummage around in my vehicle for my glasses. I was really upset about not being able to see. Eventually, I found my glasses. They'd fallen in between the center console and the passenger side seat. I felt, not better, but not as frantic without my glasses. The cop called a tow truck. Eventually the tow truck came, and we towed the car to a local body shop, quite near my house.
I don't really have good words for my state of mind. It was chaotic, as you would expect. But it was also, I don't know, I just don't know. Here's the thing. I don't do well with the unexpected. My life is fairly predictable. I don't know if I would say that I like it that way, but it's what I strive for. I need to be able to imagine my life. And for all that I read sf, I don't actually have a very good imagination. I can best imagine things that I have already experienced. So now my life was launched into the unknown. Because, the vehicle I was used to driving was totaled (I had no doubt of that), and I had to get to work next Wednesday, and I had just proved myself unable to drive myself, and things just felt like they had spiraled out of control.
I felt so stupid. So very, very stupid. I have no excuse for this accident. It wasn't dark. It wasn't slippery. I didn't have a micro-sleep. I was just going too fast, and failed to maintain control of my vehicle. I am a bad driver. I felt like a total failure as an adult. I still feel pretty much like a failure. I had thought that driving to work for the last year had made me a better driver. But I had gotten casual, careless. Which is how I'd totaled DDB's car two years previous, making a left turn into oncoming traffic. Different mistake, same underlying cause: carelessness and arrogance.
The tow truck driver was very nice. He towed my car to a body shop, and then drove me home. He let me bum a cigarette. (I only smoked half of it. I'm a stress smoker, but even under this much stress, it smelled bad to me. I must be getting older.) Although I felt fine at the time of the accident, by the time we got to my house, my right knee would barely support my weight. I got in the house, and couldn't find my my cell phone. I called on the house phone, down to DDB in the basement, knowing I couldn't manage the steps. I asked him to come upstairs and help me.
Really, I didn't need too much help. I managed to fill a zip lock with ice on my own. I iced my knee. Mostly, what he did was sit with me for a couple hours while I elaborated on the theme of why I was not an adult, and not fit to live. He allowed as how I wasn't allowed to shoot myself because it would give the gun lobby a bad name, and that hanging myself wasn't allowed largely because it wasn't allowed. I was not, I hasten to add, actually suicidal. It was just that I was all out of cope, completely out of cope. I didn't know what I was going to do next, or how, or what was going to happen. My knee was in bad shape, and I didn't know if I would be able to go to work on Wednesday, much less how I would get there. Eventually, I went to sleep. It took a while to actually fall asleep; every time I closed my eyes, I was reliving the accident. This is not conducive to sleep.
On Monday, DDB (who is remarkably wonderful in so many ways) took me car shopping. The car I crashed was a 1998 Suburu Forester. I really, really liked that car. It cost me $3000, which I paid in cash from my student loans when I was looking for a job because I work third shift in the suburbs, and I really need a vehicle to commute. Bus is not really an option. I didn't have $3000 to buy a car outright, I needed financing. Not happy. But, you know, you do what you have to do, or something.
What I ended up with was a Hyundai 2003 Santa Fe. There are various reasons, but it's hard to avoid the fact that one of the reasons was that I was very tired (I hadn't slept well the night before) and they'd sell me that today. Also, the offered a warranty on it. Which suggests that it must be in pretty good shape. Although I had loved my Forester, I'd spent as much on it over the last year in basic maintenance as I'd spent on the purchase price, and there was more to come. So, hopefully, this guy is in better shape. It has weird features. The side mirrors are electronically adjustable. Which is nice, but not something I'd pay extra for. It has a sun roof, which I actually dislike, but there you are. It has climate control, which is nice, but it's in Celsius. I haven't figured out how to put it in Fahrenheit. It has heated seats (also known as bun-warmers.) Nice, but again, I don't really care. There are a bunch of buttons on the rear view mirror that I haven't figured out what they do, yet. It has a CD changer, instead of a cassette deck, which is an actual disadvantage, since all my book-on-tape are on cassette. It feels a lot more like a truck than my old SUV. It has a peppier engine. Which is not a particularly good thing. (I've decided that I'm totally driving the speed limit from now on.) It feels, I don't know, more smug some how. And much larger. I don't really like it. But that's partly because I'm in mourning for my Suburu Forester. Which, as I said, I really really loved. Hopefully, this monster truck will grow on me.
So, it's Wednesday. I have a new vehicle which I don't really like but which will probably do the job. My knee will now bend all the way, but it doesn't much like stairs. I'm still doing those one leg at a time. I'm hopeful that I can kneel down in front of my patients tonight to attach leg wires without, you know, howling in pain or falling over, and also being able to stand back up. (I kinda tried it just a bit ago, and it hurts, but it looks do-able). My neck and shoulders, which hurt a lot on Sunday, seem to be fine again. My breast bone, right between my breasts (presumably where the seat belt caught me) still hurts a little, but not nearly as much. So, I guess I'm good to go.
So, that's been my weekend. All in all, I'd rather have been in Philadelphia.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 04:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 05:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 05:39 pm (UTC)Nate
Cars
Date: 2012-01-04 06:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 07:30 pm (UTC)Seconding the seatbelt thing. They work! Huzzah.
Totally understand being all out of cope. Hardly surprising, when you think about it. And yay for DDB's being reasonable (no, hanging just isn't allowed, no really) and helpful.
Glad you were able to acquire another vehicle quickly. Getting to work is important! Comfortably is okay, too. Yeah, used vehicles tend to be loaded. The abovementioned Subaru has seat warmers, an auto-dimming rearview mirror, even a compass in the mirror. Actually, the compass is handy because the lakes skew the road grid off of the primary compass points, but all the basics work too.
Yes, even Philadlephia could've been better. It's true!
no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 08:22 pm (UTC)From the owner's manual (at a really annoying website):
no subject
Date: 2012-01-05 03:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 08:38 pm (UTC)Some googling suggests this might help you escape from metric temperature readings:
"To change your auto climate control readings from C to F, press the auto and off knobs together and hold for a few seconds."
no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 11:56 pm (UTC)Yes, there are specific accidents that might count as stupid: but you didn't get head out on something routine when the National Weather Service was advising against all non-essential travel, or drive while significantly more tired than normally works for you.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-05 12:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-05 03:44 am (UTC)2. Sorry for all the rest, but see 1.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-05 04:06 am (UTC)You are an excellent person and I'm glad I'm your friend.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-05 11:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-05 12:20 pm (UTC)That was terrifying to read.
And my only other thought is "You bought a male car? Unusual!"
no subject
Date: 2012-01-05 12:50 pm (UTC)