Crazy relationships (not filtered)
Sep. 11th, 2013 05:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lydySo, I've been thinking about crazy relationships. You know the ones. The ones with large amounts of drama, occasionally physical fights, the ones where the friends all flinch when it comes around again on the guitar? I actually have a fairly high tolerance for crazy in relationships. It seems to me that, unless they break up, they kind of fall into three categories.
The first are the couple (I'm going to assume couples here, for the sake of simplicity) that start out with way more than the required daily dose of psychodrama, and everyone despairs. But over time, they learn to fight better. They get smarter. They learn from their mistakes. As they go along, the blow-ups happen less often, they get less serious, and things just get better. Sometimes they even achieve a level of evenness that belies the rocky beginnings. You know, what we'd really like to happen for all our volatile friends.
The second type stays incredibly volatile. They regularly have melt-downs, both in public and in private. It's sometimes stressful to be around. But the relationship still seems to function. The level of drama is more than most people would be comfortable with, and in some cases it seems to be ritualized or institutionalized. There are levels of enabling and co-dependence that at minimum raise eyebrows from observers. But the relationship itself, while it may not be one you'd want to be in, seems to work. The couple grow and change together. They learn from their mistakes. Sometimes, so they can repeat them letter-perfect. But there seems to be on-going communication. They have significant outside relationships. Their world is bigger, not smaller, as time goes by. It is possible to criticize the partner, or even the relationship dynamic, without having it result in losing them as a friend. (I'm not saying you get listened to. Or that they don't argue. Or even that they don't get angry. Just that this is not a deal-breaker.) In some relationships, there is even occasional, minor violence. I am not arguing that this is a good thing. Not even that this is the best that they can do (although, you know, it might be, people are weird). But I am arguing that this is a relationship which meets the minimum definition of functional. It can even be, in some cases I know of, an incredibly valuable, vital, marvelous relationship. Problematic, especially for outsiders, but it is a net positive in the world. And, it is often easy to look at the relationship, especially right after a particularly bad blow-up, and decide that it's a bad relationship which should end.
The third type is the crazy-never-ends relationship. And for a while, it looks a lot like the second type. But the things that I think distinguish it are not the amount of love, or the amount of commitment, or even the amount of crazy. One of the things that I think is indicative is that the psycho-drama fails to function as a form of communication, or possibly as an outlet for tension. Instead of being able to learn that "this really upsets my partner" the only thing one learns is "this is how I must capitulate in order to get my partner to stop hurting me." Hurt, here, can be verbal, emotional, or physical. I've been involved in relationships where my partner would regularly lose their tempers, and much drama ensued. The thing was, I couldn't predict when that would happen. A good child of an abusive home, I tended to internalize this and assume that I had done something wrong and that it was all my fault. It took many years to learn that in some relationships what is actually going on is that the partner wants not to communicate an issue, but to be appeased. Controlling behavior is a warning sign, but different people want different amounts of autonomy, and I think we should allow for that. But if a couple tends to lose friends, if their social circle tends towards getting smaller over time, if the actions of one or both of them become more and more constrained as time goes on, that is a huge warning sign that this is a "crazy-never-ends" situation. If the relationship cannot withstand the normal wear and tear of being in the public eye, of interacting as individuals and as a couple with a normal social life, there is probably something seriously wrong here. If any hint of criticism is grounds for cutting off contact, there's a problem, here. If everyone is evaluated based on their willingness to support the relationship even when it's being crazy, there's a problem.
Even in incredibly volatile relationships, there should be a positive trend. I'm not saying that people never experience set-backs. But, over time, one should be able to feel that one understands one's partner better than one used to, that one has a better grasp of how interactions will go, one is less suprised by sore spots. That one is being heard, and that one's partner is also learning and accomodating. Blow-ups may still happen, may still happen more frequently than you are comfortable with, and some of them will still be a surprise. Things should not get progressively more random and chaotic. Generally. In my opinion. Etc.
The other thing to note is that it is frequently the case that in the crazy-never-ends relationships, the one thing that continues to show a positive trend over time is the amount of love felt by one or both parties. Love, for some value of the word. The problem, of course, is that the word means so many things that it functionally means nothing, here. Incredibly passionate attachment, call it love, doesn't fix things. And it can make it worse. It can make it so that it is very hard to focus on the day-to-day livability issues. "I love you but can't live with you" is a perfectly reasonable conclusion in many cases. Passion and affection do not necessarily translate into a functional relationship, which has many moving parts and has to interface with the real world and daily life. Love exists in our minds as a Platonic ideal, a high and grand thing. But daily life, as Neil Rest used to tell me, is where we spend most of our time. In my opinion, if you are in a crazy-never-ends relationship, the time to get out is yesterday. Lacking a Delorean, today will do. 'Cause, it's not going to stop.
The first are the couple (I'm going to assume couples here, for the sake of simplicity) that start out with way more than the required daily dose of psychodrama, and everyone despairs. But over time, they learn to fight better. They get smarter. They learn from their mistakes. As they go along, the blow-ups happen less often, they get less serious, and things just get better. Sometimes they even achieve a level of evenness that belies the rocky beginnings. You know, what we'd really like to happen for all our volatile friends.
The second type stays incredibly volatile. They regularly have melt-downs, both in public and in private. It's sometimes stressful to be around. But the relationship still seems to function. The level of drama is more than most people would be comfortable with, and in some cases it seems to be ritualized or institutionalized. There are levels of enabling and co-dependence that at minimum raise eyebrows from observers. But the relationship itself, while it may not be one you'd want to be in, seems to work. The couple grow and change together. They learn from their mistakes. Sometimes, so they can repeat them letter-perfect. But there seems to be on-going communication. They have significant outside relationships. Their world is bigger, not smaller, as time goes by. It is possible to criticize the partner, or even the relationship dynamic, without having it result in losing them as a friend. (I'm not saying you get listened to. Or that they don't argue. Or even that they don't get angry. Just that this is not a deal-breaker.) In some relationships, there is even occasional, minor violence. I am not arguing that this is a good thing. Not even that this is the best that they can do (although, you know, it might be, people are weird). But I am arguing that this is a relationship which meets the minimum definition of functional. It can even be, in some cases I know of, an incredibly valuable, vital, marvelous relationship. Problematic, especially for outsiders, but it is a net positive in the world. And, it is often easy to look at the relationship, especially right after a particularly bad blow-up, and decide that it's a bad relationship which should end.
The third type is the crazy-never-ends relationship. And for a while, it looks a lot like the second type. But the things that I think distinguish it are not the amount of love, or the amount of commitment, or even the amount of crazy. One of the things that I think is indicative is that the psycho-drama fails to function as a form of communication, or possibly as an outlet for tension. Instead of being able to learn that "this really upsets my partner" the only thing one learns is "this is how I must capitulate in order to get my partner to stop hurting me." Hurt, here, can be verbal, emotional, or physical. I've been involved in relationships where my partner would regularly lose their tempers, and much drama ensued. The thing was, I couldn't predict when that would happen. A good child of an abusive home, I tended to internalize this and assume that I had done something wrong and that it was all my fault. It took many years to learn that in some relationships what is actually going on is that the partner wants not to communicate an issue, but to be appeased. Controlling behavior is a warning sign, but different people want different amounts of autonomy, and I think we should allow for that. But if a couple tends to lose friends, if their social circle tends towards getting smaller over time, if the actions of one or both of them become more and more constrained as time goes on, that is a huge warning sign that this is a "crazy-never-ends" situation. If the relationship cannot withstand the normal wear and tear of being in the public eye, of interacting as individuals and as a couple with a normal social life, there is probably something seriously wrong here. If any hint of criticism is grounds for cutting off contact, there's a problem, here. If everyone is evaluated based on their willingness to support the relationship even when it's being crazy, there's a problem.
Even in incredibly volatile relationships, there should be a positive trend. I'm not saying that people never experience set-backs. But, over time, one should be able to feel that one understands one's partner better than one used to, that one has a better grasp of how interactions will go, one is less suprised by sore spots. That one is being heard, and that one's partner is also learning and accomodating. Blow-ups may still happen, may still happen more frequently than you are comfortable with, and some of them will still be a surprise. Things should not get progressively more random and chaotic. Generally. In my opinion. Etc.
The other thing to note is that it is frequently the case that in the crazy-never-ends relationships, the one thing that continues to show a positive trend over time is the amount of love felt by one or both parties. Love, for some value of the word. The problem, of course, is that the word means so many things that it functionally means nothing, here. Incredibly passionate attachment, call it love, doesn't fix things. And it can make it worse. It can make it so that it is very hard to focus on the day-to-day livability issues. "I love you but can't live with you" is a perfectly reasonable conclusion in many cases. Passion and affection do not necessarily translate into a functional relationship, which has many moving parts and has to interface with the real world and daily life. Love exists in our minds as a Platonic ideal, a high and grand thing. But daily life, as Neil Rest used to tell me, is where we spend most of our time. In my opinion, if you are in a crazy-never-ends relationship, the time to get out is yesterday. Lacking a Delorean, today will do. 'Cause, it's not going to stop.
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no subject
Date: 2013-09-11 04:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-11 07:37 pm (UTC)I agree with effectively every thing you say here (and I have to wonder if my post about being evil was one of the jumping-off points for your thinking). I can't think of a whole lot of examples of the first group, but some examples of the second group leap immediately to mind, and I especially like how compassionate you are with how those dynamics can work.
The crazy-never-ends third group is so hard to recognize from the inside, and even harder to leave.
Thanks for this!
no subject
Date: 2013-09-12 04:07 pm (UTC)I think the thing that I find really important is understanding the actual function of the psychodrama in the relationship. For some people, it's a way of communicating, or a way of moving past a crisis, or a way of metabolizing a problem. In other relationships, it appears to function primarily as punishment or controlling behavior. And, you know, if one partner is attempting to communicate by psychodrama, but the other partner can only interpret the situation as "Oh, hell, I'm being hit again" then this relationship is not working. Two mutually exclusive methods of understanding and using psychodrama is a mismatch for which it is likely there is no cure.
I've been in several crazy-never-ends relationships. Figuring it out is, as you say, incredibly difficult. You keep on thinking that you're in the first or second situation. And, of course, the psychodrama is always punctuated by periods of joy and peace. So seductive. But I think the thing I learned to look for was the chaos trending towards an increase, and my understanding of my partner trending towards a decrease.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-11 10:10 pm (UTC)Your second group description reminds me of the couples who punish each other as a way to say 'this part of the relationship is not working for me right now.' It is their communication.
It ain't the greatest, and it isn't what I'd want for myself, but their dysfunction is working for them and they've found someone who communicates on the same frequency. I'm happy that they found each other and I'm happy that I'm not in that relationship.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-12 04:01 pm (UTC)