The cradle will fall

[lydy]

It's been a perfectly marvelous day. It started with getting up at noon. I mean, I'm delighted, I actually got out of bed and got dressed. The previous two days I've slept until six or so, and then was up until 4:00 a.m. My body so wants to be on third shift. This isn't new, I've been a night person ever since I was little. My mother used to have to dress me like I was a rag doll before school, I was so heavily asleep.

In a wild and frightening burst of energy, I sat down and did the bills. Maybe it's easier if you have not money. I called all my credit card companies and explained that I was flat broke (I do have $30 in my checking account) and that I couldn't pay them anything. One of them said that there wasn't anything they could do at this time, another said that they couldn't do anything until I acquired an income, but that they'd be happy to set up a payment plan then, and the third said that they'd waive one month's payment. A month of grace isn't huge, but it's something. Of course, no one mentioned that my interest rate is going to go to 33% or so, but I was the one coming begging, so it didn't seem to be the time to complain about it.

While I was on a roll, I went ahead and e-filed my taxes. My taxes aren't hard, I have to fill out like six lines or something on the EZ, so it really didn't take very long, and the state taxes even less because they can roll over the information. And I'm so poor it's freee. In between state and federal, I'll get something like $1000, which is good since the bill for my medical insurance is $600, I still have the hospital co-pay of $200 coming up, and my monthly drugs cost $120. Per month. You wonder why crazy people live on the streets? That's why. I have extremely good coverage -- and will, until I run out of COBRA, or run out of people to borrow money from. Or, of course, go back to work. I'm hoping to be able to do that soon. Anybody know of a third shift admin support job? Like, hospital receptionist? At this point, I'm totally not picky.

Then, I went over to carbonel to watch ice skating. Tonight, we watched (thanks to her Tivo equivalent) the Four Continents competition, Women's singles, and Ice Dancing. Last night we watched Men's Singles and Pairs. What have I forgotten, Beth? I still can't tell one jump from another, other than the axel, but I'm seeing more and more. I find it frustrating, but I'll train my eyes eventually. I hope.

Now I'm home, I've et dinner, emptied the dishwasher, and am typing cheerfully like a maniac.

So, here's the $64 question: Am I manic, or is this how I'm supposed to feel? I switched anti-depressants recently, and now is about the time that they might be coming on, so it could just be the right anti-depressant. Or, I could just be manic, in which case, expect to see me huddled in bed for a week some time real soon.

I do love the highs of being manic, but I totally resent the fact that my manic high is roughly equivalent to normal people's normal function.

It would be so nice if this were something that was going to stick around. I shall cross my fingers. Well, no I won't. I can't type that way.

Comments

[davidschroth.livejournal.com]

Am I manic, or is this how I'm supposed to feel?

It's hard to tell from here.

I'm going to cross my fingers and hope that its drugs starting to be effective.

[pameladean]

You didn't really look manic to me. I was surprised to see you up, sure, but I dunno, it's just a feeling, maybe it's wrong. But you didn't.

P.

[lydy.livejournal.com]

"All may yet be very well"?


(Did I misquote you? I have the worst memory in the world for exact quotes.)

[papersky.livejournal.com]

Talking to the bill people and telling them you're not going to pay them is exactly the right thing to do -- they like that, what they hate is not hearing what's going on, because then they think you've vanished and panic and slap on charges and send the heavies round to find you. Talking to them is what we were always told to advise people -- though that was in Britain, so goodness knows.

I hope it's not manic, and I hope you can find a job soon.

[joelrosenberg.livejournal.com]

I assume the question was rhetorical; I think it takes, at best, great expertise and lots of information to differentiate between very mild mania and just having a good day.

As to jobs, I'll keep my eyes open.

[mom23cats.livejournal.com]

I am not sure I would know what normal is if it smacked me upside the head. I f you have not had the energy to get all this stuff done in the past, it might be that you are starting to fee the way you should be. I know that there are varying degrees of mania but you do sound like you are just being "normal". Just keep an eye on it

[lydy.livejournal.com]

I agree with you on not knowing what normal is. It's not like I ever had much more than a nodding acquaintanceship with it in the far distant past. What I'd like (obviously) is a steady state in which laundry is not an insurmountable task (never mind the rest of life, such as sweeping floors, going to work, talking to friends, leaving the house, and so on. Seems to me your own relationship with normal is less than close and cordial. I suspect it's vastly overrated.

[laurel]

I hope it's the right med doing its thing, but I know the feeling of not being sure far too well.

In any event, you gotta enjoy the good days when you get them, whatever the reason. And I'm sure you know that. But hooray for a good day!

I had a better day yesterday and even made it out of the house; it's hard to explain what a big deal that is.

Yes to mania and normalcy

[markiv1111.livejournal.com]

I had a stretch like that about ten years ago, maybe a little longer. I had been working 17 to 20 hours a week because my working any more than that would have been a sick joke. Then all of a sudden, I was working harder, longer, sleeping less, feeling really excited and glad to be alive. This had no connection with any medicine I'd been taking. I told my supervisor quite frankly that this might be hypomania and I might crash, but while I was there, give me all the work she could find. (I'd gone from typing 800 lines in 4 hours to typing 2203 lines in 9 hours, although I'm comparing an average to a peak.) I went down very gradually over a couple of weeks, never went down as low as my previous baseline, and am now working 40 hours a week, if one counts musical gigs and rehearsals. Here's hoping that your own "thing" comes down as positively as my own did. And psychiatrically speaking, you and I have a bunch of things in common; quite possibly the odds are with you. Hang in there.

Nate B.

Re: Yes to mania and normalcy

[lydy.livejournal.com]

That sounds sommat promising.

I did sleep all day today -- not so good -- but I don't feel the utter despair that accompanies a crash. My pattern is to go from high to low with very little transition.

[marykaykare.livejournal.com]

Am I manic, or is this how I'm supposed to feel

I hate that we have to ask ourselves that question. I've been mulling it for myself lately as I too seem to have amazing amounts of energy for tackling things put off too long. And feeling cheerful and all. I'm putting it down to the blue light. (My doctor recently recommended I switch to a blue light box as studies have shown it to be vastly more effective at lower levels for less time. References on request.) But I hate having to wonder about it, and I hate that you have to do it too.

MKK

[lydy.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Everything we think, everything we feel, all our ambition and all our procrastinations we view with suspicion, trying to figure out, is this the disease, is this the drugs, is this me? Who is this me, anyway?

[ann-totusek.livejournal.com]

You might try the VA. The medical packages are excellent, and the VA needs clerks at night. IIRC, they're right off the light rail line and a bus goes very near there if you don't drive.

[carbonel]

Then, I went over to carbonel to watch ice skating. Tonight, we watched (thanks to her Tivo equivalent) the Four Continents competition, Women's singles, and Ice Dancing. Last night we watched Men's Singles and Pairs. What have I forgotten, Beth?

Just in case this isn't rhetorical -- when "last night" was last night, we also watched the final hour of the Women's singles from the U.S. Nationals.

And Worlds are coming up soon.