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lydyWhat the the Readercon flap and all that, I've been thinking a fair amount about sexual harassment, social interactions, and so on. John Scalzi has had several very sensible things to say about how to interact with people, how not to be a creep, and so on. Many commenters have have useful things to say, too. One of the things that's been said several times, though, is roughly, "Don't flirt with someone unless they flirt with you." Which leads me to immediately think, "But, then, no one would ever flirt." Which would be, in my opinion, a damn shame. I like flirting. I think it can be a world of fun.
Which leads me to a revelation. Flirting is not one of those things that socially inept people should really attempt. Please let me be clear: I am talking about flirting, that ever-so-slightly salacious banter that people who are attracted to each other indulge in in social settings. I am not talking about any of the other multitudinous ways that people indicate to each other that there is a sexual attraction and that they might be interested in doing something about it. Here's a crucial piece of information that some people appear to be lacking: flirting is not the only way, or even always the best way, to get laid.
Flirting is, in fact, a high-risk, complex social interaction. It is, often, about gaming the system. It is about using various "acceptable" interactions to imply "unacceptable" interactions. Please note the scare quotes. I think sexual behavior is perfectly ok. Really. But flirting is about playing a game. If you are not skilled enough at this game to tell whether or not the target of your flirting is having fun, and is at least interested enough in the game to play it with you, you are not good enough at it to play. Really. Being able to detect interest, the level of interest, and maintain the intensity at a level which pleases both of you, and does not creep either of you out, is difficult, and part of the fucking point.
There is nothing wrong with either a) not wanting to play this game, or b) not being very good at it. It's a style of social eptness which has, at best, a very limited utility. And you run the very real risk of being mistaken as an operator, or a creeper. I did mention that it was a high-stakes game, right? Being female, it's much easier for me, since in the game, it's pretty acceptable for me to simply accept or reject gambits. I can, if I want, never increase the intensity of the situation, always just accepting or rejecting further intimacies. Typically, the guy will up the ante as things go along. Look, I didn't say this was a unbiased, politically correct game. It's gendered as hell. It's unfair. It's difficult. Under the right circumstances, with the right partner, it can be fun. These days, you can also play with subverting the paradigm. Women's options have become more varied, all to the good. But, fundamentally, this is a game based on mainstream, conventional mores, and ways to subvert them.
But that high-risk thing I was talking about? Really. Played badly, you end up being a harasser, a stalker, a predator. Because in the end, the thing that is _really important_ is not the game, but the other person. You are playing this game with a _person_. Someone with past, present, connections, context, old scars, preferences, needs, desires, and who _is_not_you_. The whole evil "pick up artist" thing entirely defines the interaction as a competition. Flirting, when it's fun, is not competition, it's co-operation. Which means respecting other people's boundaries, figuring out what's going on, and being pretty clear. Which sounds like the opposite of flirting, which thrives on ambiguity. Which is why this is tough. Because you need both: clarity and ambiguity.
Which leads me to a revelation. Flirting is not one of those things that socially inept people should really attempt. Please let me be clear: I am talking about flirting, that ever-so-slightly salacious banter that people who are attracted to each other indulge in in social settings. I am not talking about any of the other multitudinous ways that people indicate to each other that there is a sexual attraction and that they might be interested in doing something about it. Here's a crucial piece of information that some people appear to be lacking: flirting is not the only way, or even always the best way, to get laid.
Flirting is, in fact, a high-risk, complex social interaction. It is, often, about gaming the system. It is about using various "acceptable" interactions to imply "unacceptable" interactions. Please note the scare quotes. I think sexual behavior is perfectly ok. Really. But flirting is about playing a game. If you are not skilled enough at this game to tell whether or not the target of your flirting is having fun, and is at least interested enough in the game to play it with you, you are not good enough at it to play. Really. Being able to detect interest, the level of interest, and maintain the intensity at a level which pleases both of you, and does not creep either of you out, is difficult, and part of the fucking point.
There is nothing wrong with either a) not wanting to play this game, or b) not being very good at it. It's a style of social eptness which has, at best, a very limited utility. And you run the very real risk of being mistaken as an operator, or a creeper. I did mention that it was a high-stakes game, right? Being female, it's much easier for me, since in the game, it's pretty acceptable for me to simply accept or reject gambits. I can, if I want, never increase the intensity of the situation, always just accepting or rejecting further intimacies. Typically, the guy will up the ante as things go along. Look, I didn't say this was a unbiased, politically correct game. It's gendered as hell. It's unfair. It's difficult. Under the right circumstances, with the right partner, it can be fun. These days, you can also play with subverting the paradigm. Women's options have become more varied, all to the good. But, fundamentally, this is a game based on mainstream, conventional mores, and ways to subvert them.
But that high-risk thing I was talking about? Really. Played badly, you end up being a harasser, a stalker, a predator. Because in the end, the thing that is _really important_ is not the game, but the other person. You are playing this game with a _person_. Someone with past, present, connections, context, old scars, preferences, needs, desires, and who _is_not_you_. The whole evil "pick up artist" thing entirely defines the interaction as a competition. Flirting, when it's fun, is not competition, it's co-operation. Which means respecting other people's boundaries, figuring out what's going on, and being pretty clear. Which sounds like the opposite of flirting, which thrives on ambiguity. Which is why this is tough. Because you need both: clarity and ambiguity.
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no subject
Date: 2012-08-11 06:01 pm (UTC)In my experience (and I'm a decent flirt) quality flirting thrives on all parties involved playing the unspoken potential, or even just a pretend potential that there's a romantic and/or physical interest. There's banter around that concept, and both parties enjoy playing with it. Actual intent should be a known thing to avoid miscommunication *unless* all parties involved are secure enough to be OK with geting something other than they expected, and enjoy that possibility.
So in my interpretation, flirting involves self awareness, self confidence, and empathy, as well as being OK with it not necessarily leading to something more.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-11 06:37 pm (UTC)When it comes down to brass tacks, I tend to revert to absolute plain English. "Ok, so it's sex post-AIDS. I'd rather blush for three minutes and get this out of the way rather than have misunderstandings a little bit later when things get hectic. This is my current set of sexual contacts. This is what I prefer for contraception/protection. How about you?" If, you know, the perspective partner is too flustered to cope at this point, well, no harm no foul. Also, no sex. But while flirtation may be grand fun, some of those gritty details need to be out in the open. It also has the added advantage of making it perfectly clear that I am saying yes, now. I'd really rather my partner not be in any doubt about that, either. As far as I'm concerned, the time for tentativeness is before, not after, you've taken your clothes off.