Flirting

[lydy]

What the the Readercon flap and all that, I've been thinking a fair amount about sexual harassment, social interactions, and so on. John Scalzi has had several very sensible things to say about how to interact with people, how not to be a creep, and so on. Many commenters have have useful things to say, too. One of the things that's been said several times, though, is roughly, "Don't flirt with someone unless they flirt with you." Which leads me to immediately think, "But, then, no one would ever flirt." Which would be, in my opinion, a damn shame. I like flirting. I think it can be a world of fun.

Which leads me to a revelation. Flirting is not one of those things that socially inept people should really attempt. Please let me be clear: I am talking about flirting, that ever-so-slightly salacious banter that people who are attracted to each other indulge in in social settings. I am not talking about any of the other multitudinous ways that people indicate to each other that there is a sexual attraction and that they might be interested in doing something about it. Here's a crucial piece of information that some people appear to be lacking: flirting is not the only way, or even always the best way, to get laid.

Flirting is, in fact, a high-risk, complex social interaction. It is, often, about gaming the system. It is about using various "acceptable" interactions to imply "unacceptable" interactions. Please note the scare quotes. I think sexual behavior is perfectly ok. Really. But flirting is about playing a game. If you are not skilled enough at this game to tell whether or not the target of your flirting is having fun, and is at least interested enough in the game to play it with you, you are not good enough at it to play. Really. Being able to detect interest, the level of interest, and maintain the intensity at a level which pleases both of you, and does not creep either of you out, is difficult, and part of the fucking point.

There is nothing wrong with either a) not wanting to play this game, or b) not being very good at it. It's a style of social eptness which has, at best, a very limited utility. And you run the very real risk of being mistaken as an operator, or a creeper. I did mention that it was a high-stakes game, right? Being female, it's much easier for me, since in the game, it's pretty acceptable for me to simply accept or reject gambits. I can, if I want, never increase the intensity of the situation, always just accepting or rejecting further intimacies. Typically, the guy will up the ante as things go along. Look, I didn't say this was a unbiased, politically correct game. It's gendered as hell. It's unfair. It's difficult. Under the right circumstances, with the right partner, it can be fun. These days, you can also play with subverting the paradigm. Women's options have become more varied, all to the good. But, fundamentally, this is a game based on mainstream, conventional mores, and ways to subvert them.

But that high-risk thing I was talking about? Really. Played badly, you end up being a harasser, a stalker, a predator. Because in the end, the thing that is _really important_ is not the game, but the other person. You are playing this game with a _person_. Someone with past, present, connections, context, old scars, preferences, needs, desires, and who _is_not_you_. The whole evil "pick up artist" thing entirely defines the interaction as a competition. Flirting, when it's fun, is not competition, it's co-operation. Which means respecting other people's boundaries, figuring out what's going on, and being pretty clear. Which sounds like the opposite of flirting, which thrives on ambiguity. Which is why this is tough. Because you need both: clarity and ambiguity.

Comments

[lydy.livejournal.com]

You know, I was going to say, "For me, flirting works like this..." but then I realized that, like most human sexual behavior, it is rarely just one thing. Sex is for comfort and procreation and physical release and emotional bonding and lots and lots of other things, depending on participants and context and timing and... like that.

One of the things that flirting can be is a game of "Let me prove to you how carefully I can pay attention to you." By picking up cues, responding to things said and unsaid, body language, hints, and so on, one of the things you are saying is, "I am paying attention to you and the things you are telling me." If your partner is aggressive when you indicate that you are interested, and backs off when you indicate that you are not, when they respond to you with interest, that's a real high. The sense of being absolutely in focus, the center of what's going on, is terribly attractive. Because sex is in the mix, it's a high-stakes game. The chance of looking like a damn fool, or worse, crossing a boundary you weren't expecting and getting shut down completely, is heightened. There's definitely an adrenalin piece to it. It's kind of like a test, except that it's a test you want the other person to pass. You want to get all their signals, understand them correctly, and respond to them, and send out your own, in such a way that you are both having fun. There's a kind of a rule book, but not exactly, and it's definitely a game where part of the challenge is figuring out which rules you can break now and which you can't. At it's all pretty much predicated on our extremely complex, and fundamentally broken set of societal rules about who can have sex with whom when. Who can touch whom and how. And so on.

There's also... hmm. You know how, in a well-run BDSM scene, where everything is carefully negotiated ahead of time, there is still the element of pushing the boundary. Never enough to violate the agreement, never ever past the bounds of consent, but there's certainly often (not always) an element of pushing the bottom just a little bit farther than they were expecting? And how, if you do it just right, and you get to the place which is clearly within the comfort zone and yet clearly outside it as well, it's just exactly right? Flirting can be like that.

I have very much enjoyed flirting in circumstances where I knew exactly what was going to happen. Either it was a total no-go, but we were having fun, or an absolute certainty, but we were playing and this was a form of foreplay. But there's also the flirting where I don't really know. I haven't decided for sure that I won't, but I'm kind of looking for a good reason to actually go farther with this person...kiss, sex, whatever. And that's when the paying attention thing really, really matters. Because if I don't know if I want to, one of the things I'm trying to find out is if my partner is, you know, responsive. Are we in this together, or is he (she) playing their own game and I'm just a token. For me, when flirting works, I get a sense that the person is paying attention. Not necessarily to me as a person, complex and whole, and they want to be my friend for life. Although, sometimes, you can establish that, too. But for a casual hook-up, that's not an absolute necessity. But what is absolutely necessary is that they can identify and respect boundaries, but are not completely passive. They can quest and question and tease and try, without violating me. There are many ways to establish that kind of information. But flirtation is one way, very probably not the best one. And since it is, essentially, a game, it is highly susceptible to being, well, gamed.

[nipernaadiagain.livejournal.com]

Wow!

[papersky.livejournal.com]

Thank you especially for writing this, because with that context it finally makes sense and I understand what people are getting out of it.

This is a great post.